Chances are good that last time you found yourself channel-surfing in the US, you will have happened across a rather fatuous news show called The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer on CNN. It’s all very dramatic with pom-pa-pa-pom sort of music in the background and natty graphics. But Barry Crimmins is unimpressed – as this highly amusing counterblast demonstrates (thanks to James Wolcott):
Is there anyone sillier than Wolf Blitzer? His CNN show, The Situation Room might as well be called Wolf’s Secret, Magic, Lucky Clubhouse. On the screen below Blitzer, I half expect to see them superimpose “No Girls Allowed” (with the ‘s’ in ‘girls’ backwards) This ridiculous man’s broadcast is full of ‘strategy sessions,’ breathless ‘exclusives’ and repeated admonitions to ‘stand by.’ What else are we going to do, Wolf? There isn’t a chair anywhere in your conspicuously situated studio. Blitzer has the air of a man who never earned a game uniform in his life but is now a fanatical fantasy sports participant, with a closet full of replica jerseys. No one this side of Larry Craig does more to wear contrived machismo on his sleeve.
On the day of the Bhutto assassination, he was at his worst (well, he’s always at his worst but I happened to watch that day.) After a few dozen teases about information exclusive to the Situation Room!!, he finally revealed, “Benazir Bhutto felt if she were ever assassinated that Musharraf should be held accountable.”
No shit, Blitzer. I’d guessed as much the second I heard of the incident, before it was announced that Ms. Bhutto had died. I surmised this even though I don’t have the worldwide resources of CNN at my fingertips, let alone my own situation room, full of monitors and macho players who are self-proclaimed advisers and experts in manly things such as militarism and terrorism (redundancy noted). If I had such people wandering around my room, I’d offer them a seat, just to calm them down. Looming people get nervous. And I’d also never play Wolf’s dildoically urgent theme music. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of these days Blitzer and all his guests wore only loincloths and face paint.
